Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
