May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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