Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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