I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
