chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
