Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
