How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
