Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
