His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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