Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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