i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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