I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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