I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
