Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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