Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
