I got chris browned last night
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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