How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
