if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
