I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
