You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
