please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
