then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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