dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
