The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
