I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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