Where did you get a picture of my penis
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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