i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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