mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You have to summon your inner elephant
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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