He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
