I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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