It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
