I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
