i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
