Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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