all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My vagina just recognized that song.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
