my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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