Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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