Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
