Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
