I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
