I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Boobs speak an international language.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i think i just naturally attract stoners
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
