I faked an abortion last night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
