That's when you crack a 10am beer
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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