lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
