Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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