Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
