I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She even gives head with a lisp.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
