i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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