You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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