I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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