he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize