True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
