I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize