i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
