Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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