I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
