I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
