found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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