is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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