another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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