please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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