I will die if light touches me.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
