I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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