So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
