hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
