Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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