I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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