it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
