What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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