remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize