how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
