Define "chronic" masturbator.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
