Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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