I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
