My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
