just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
