Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
